Surviving The Summer With Kids - Getting Siblings To Get Along

Summer is coming! For some of your children it’s already here, and for a lot of us it can be a couple of long months of bickering and fighting between siblings who aren’t used to spending so much time together. What’s a mom to do? Hiding in the bathroom while they fight isn’t an option, so let’s explore some strategies to help siblings get along and play nice so we can all have a fun, peaceful summer. I promise, September will be here eventually.

Why do my kids fight so much? 

Let’s think about development for a second. Children develop at different rates and a myriad of different skills are developing at any one time. A typical household makeup is a toddler and a school-aged child. Toddlers are learning to develop a sense of independence (I can do it!) and a sense of what is theirs, which can make things difficult when it comes to sharing. School-aged children are much more focused on what is fair and what isn’t fair. Imagine a 3 year old working on their independence and possessions coupled with a 5 year old who thinks it’s unfair their sibling has had access to a preferred toy for more than 3 minutes. Now, imagine that neither child has a good grip on labeling and communicating their emotions when they’re upset, and you have a perfect storm for a sibling fight. This is just one example of a million different dynamics present between siblings, regardless of the cause of the fighting, there are a few strategies we can use as parents to help keep the peace.

Teaching your children how to get along with each other

Little bodies can have very big emotions, and we’re not born knowing how to label them, express them, and deal with them. In fact, I know many adults who still don’t have this skill, so why do we expect our kids to have it? “Use your words” is a statement I hear constantly at the playground and in my own house (yes I’m guilty of this). How are our children going to use their words if they don’t know which words to use? When we model language surrounding our emotions and our needs our children are more likely to use those words when they too find themselves in a similar situation.

 Labeling Emotions

When you see frustration rising in your child get down on their level and tell them “you look frustrated” (label the emotion) “it looks like your brother is playing with your toy so you took it out of his hands”.

Next, set limits “we don’t take things out of someone else’s hands” and follow that up with teaching an alternative behavior. “Ask your brother if you can have a turn when he’s done with it”.

 Resolving Conflicts Together

Next, teach your children to resolve conflicts on their own and stand up for themselves. When you admonish a child for their behavior they may see it as playing favorites with the other child, which can foster resentment towards their sibling, intensifying conflict between the two. Instead, work on coaching both children on how to overcome conflict and back it up as necessary.

“You look upset, what is bothering you, can you tell your brother?”

“You took my toy away!”

“David, your sister says she is upset that you took her toy away, can you give it back or do you need help giving it back?”

Self-Regulated Turn Taking

Another helpful change would be to initiate self-regulated turns instead of forced sharing. When we force siblings to share with each other we can create a whirlwind of conflict and shape up some undesirable behaviors (i.e., crying and screaming, something all parents want to avoid).

Here’s what forced sharing teaches kids:

If I cry loud enough, I get what I want, even if someone else has it

My parents are in charge of who gets what and it’s dependent on how dramatically I ask for my turn.

My sibling and I are in constant competition to get what we need, and I don’t like him.

I won! But not for long, I’d better pitch a bigger fit when my turn is up to get the toy back quickly.

When we teach kids to self-regulate with turns they learn to calmly ask for what they want, and that sometimes they get a turn, sometimes they don’t. It’s ok to cry, but it doesn’t mean they get the toy. They don’t get everything they want, but that you understand and will help them. They learn to like the feeling they get when their sibling chooses to share a toy with them, fostering a better relationship between them, and then in turn will be more likely to want to share their toys with their siblings because of the way it makes them feel.

Oh Boy

This is a lot for kids to handle, and there will inevitably be tears. What to do about the child who is crying because they are waiting for their sibling to choose to share? This is a great opportunity to help your child express their frustrations and to give loving attention to the child who is waiting by helping them to wait or to find something else to do while they wait. In the short term you will be using your attention as a tool to help each child make the decision to share and in turn wait for the item they want calmly or move on to a different activity. In the long run your children are learning how to interact with each other in a calm way, without your help.  

Create Kindness and Appreciation

Create opportunities for your children to be kind to each other and express appreciation for each other. Keep an eye out for kind gestures, no matter how small, and make an effort to point those things out and praise your children for choosing to be kind to one another.

Be a Team

Use reinforcement to your advantage to turn siblings into team members. Give your children a goal to meet for opportunities per day with the instructions that they get a point for every kind thing they do for one another. Once they meet their goal offer some kind of reward, you know your kids best, screen time, a special dessert after dinner, or a special activity, whatever makes your kids tick and willing to work towards kindness.

Summer won’t last forever, and the hope of this post is that you can take a step back, watch your kids grow and shine as siblings and have the best summer you’ve ever had since becoming a parent. Now go forth into the sunshine and enjoy!